The Battle of the Bulge
Albert Freed, of Dog Track Road, Pensacola — no, this is not a Stan Freburg setup — was excited to win a “dream trip to Hawaii” after selling $20,000 in diet products. Mr. Freed, who weighs about 280 pounds — trust us, it’s relevant — had not indulged himself with a vacation for forty years, and the wife thought he could use a new complement of tighty whities for the occasion. But after sporting his Hanes for a few days, problems began to, um, emerge:
Plaintiff testified he believed sand that he picked up in his swim trunks while enjoying the Hawaiian surf had irritated his penis. Over the next few days he and his wife “walked all over the place” until his condition worsened to the point that he “could hardly walk.” Plaintiff testified his inability to walk was caused by defendant’s defective manufacturing of his underwear which caused his “fly” to gap open. The gap resulted in his penis protruding from his underwear, whereupon the edges of the opening abraded his penis like “sandpaper belts.”
Well, who among us (er, half of us) hasn’t been there? But Mr. Freed, rather than go commando, decided to sweat it out:
Under cross examination plaintiff admitted he never examined his penis to address the problem and/or treat the problem. He testified that he is a “belly-man” and his “weight” prevents him from looking down and seeing his penis. He further testified he declined to use the hotel mirror to view the “injury” because that is “not something he would do.” He also testified he did not ask his wife to examine his penis because he would never ask her to do such a thing, nor would he want to let her know about his pain because it would have “ruined her vacation” as well.
Defendant Hanes Brands Inc. was not, er, going down without a fight, however. They brought in an expert witness, who must have had the strangest meeting with his high-school guidance counselor:
The uncontroverted expert testimony was that once a man’s genitalia are adjusted in his briefs, “vertical tension” is far greater than horizontal tension and there is no tendency for the fly to “gap.” The only circumstance which would result in significant horizontal tension would be caused by attempting to don briefs with a waist too small for the attempted occupant.
Freed v. Hanes was decided for the defendant, saving the reputation of Hanes underwear from being soiled. Except for one thing:
Although defendant asked that the judgment … include a requirement that plaintiff remove any and all videos from the internet regarding the injury to his penis, the court does not have jurisdiction to address this request.
But hey, at least Mr. Freed collected his prize. Unlike the poor guy in Texas whose million-dollar lottery ticket was stolen by a convenience-store clerk.
Lawsuit of the Day: Defective Underwear Causes Penis Pain [Above the Law]
Freed v. Hanes [PDF]
Wow.
Maybe it’s just being from Canada City, being an ex-ice hockey player and former cup wearer, but I’m cognizant of where my penis and sack is in relation to my clothing/equipment. Very important to know BEFORE the puck hits you in the “ding dong” cup and not AFTER.
I felt this incredible movement in the Force that compelled me to come to Stinque. How odd…
He further testified he declined to use the hotel mirror to view the “injury” because that is “not something he would do.” He also testified he did not ask his wife to examine his penis because he would never ask her to do such a thing
BWHAhahahahahaha ahhh
thanks
I needed that.
I’ve been trying cases for 34 years and I’ve never run across an expert witness on underwear. Learning something like this — this is why I am a loyal Stinquer.
Oh noj. You just couldn’t resist after I specifically requested no peen pics here, could you. At least they’re not swinging or being measured…yet.
@flippin eck: You requested what? Who are you again? I may slap you around tonight during our Stinque-up.
There it is, revenge of the dork. For both meanings of the word, of course.
(Aside: one of my favorite anecdotes along these lines is from Gary Larson, creator of the Far Side comics. He wrote in one of his collections that he tried to use the word “dork” in a comic, and his editor rejected it. When he asked why, the editor replied, “Because we can’t allow slang words for penis in the paper.” He had a face-slap moment, and realized that of course “dork” is slang for “penis.”)
Also, along a slightly different line, I love that his name is Freed.
The heartbreak of sandy dick …
@IanJ:
Unless I’m mistaken, literally ANY noun in the English language can be a slang term for a penis. :)
@al2o3cr: There’s an old NatLamp illustration showing the proportional sizes of men’s and women’s body parts, relevant to the number of slang words available. I don’t know whether it’s online, but the results can be easily imagined.
@al2o3cr:
Lets see:
Banana
Salami
Pencil
Wrench
Ruler
Stevedore
Juggernaut
Raven
All those work, but:
Tire
Watermellon
Garbanzo Bean
Watershed
Succubus
Chili
Do not.
English is not as flexible as one might think.
I know. I was horrified beyond belief when I saw that comment. The idea!
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Stinque is not, despite the occasional feint that direction, FleshBot.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches:
My tire was swollen like a watermelon after a garbanzo bean chillied me down to the succubus. It was a watershed moment.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: I felt at the time that the anti-Stormy language was adequate to the problem. Adding my opinion (a subject I’ve touched on recently) seemed overkill.
I’d be happy enough if we avoided both sides of the debate, and stuck to politics, Project Runway, and Sport. Fortunately for the world, I’m not in charge. If I were, there’d be a lot of posts about bicycles, machining, motorcycles, (non-musical) theater, and not much else.
Speaking of which, if there are any other cycle-friendly Stinquers about, I was put on the trail of these really cool looking pedals today:
With any luck, this will be the next long-term stop on my quest for good platform pedals.
Doesn’t this clown understand that, once you’re over fifty, you switch to boxers? Tighty whities are for nine year olds.
@blogenfreude: once you’re over fifty, you switch to boxers
Ummm… Good to know.
@blogenfreude: Once you’re over 5, you switch to boxers. When you’re 18, you switch to boxerbriefs. When you’re over 50, you stay clothed.
I have nothing to add.
Unless of course anyone needs to know how to properly dress the three-piece set in a dance-belt.
Boxers. Ugh. Feh.
Dear God but this avatar of ALW is hideous. And imagine. That’s the good pic. Think what the rest were like. Still, I’m doing it for noje.
@Benedick: I look forward to learning all you know about dance belts. (My mom did a brief stint as a wardrobe mistress.)
@JNOV: It points up.
Your mother has my profoundest sympathy.
@Benedick: I’m used to that.
ADD: Trust me — it was very brief. I enjoyed it, though.
@Benedick: I’m still seeing The Amazing Tony, unless they look alike. And I’m afraid to clear my cache.
@nojo: As the big day approaches, I am getting ready to order more Jets boxers.
@nojo: Shift-reload, baby. Not for the faint of heart, I’ll say.
@IanJ:
Whoa! just a joke…didn’t mean to bring back the broo-ha-ha.
You must be mountain biker. I use speedplay zero on my road bike. I like the “float”, it is easier on my knees than a fixed clip.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Heh, I didn’t think I was taking it that seriously, musta come across wrong. Damn you, ASCII!
I’m not a mountain biker, just a commuter who doesn’t want to fuck with clips in any form. I just want to hop on the bike with whatever shoes I’m wearing. Before you ask, yes, I’ve tried clipless and toeclips, and although the clipless pedals were cool, they weren’t worth the compromises, and I only rode them for a few hundred miles before returning them.
@Benedick:
That sounds like witchcraft to me, limey. But your advice is generally pretty good, so I’ll try it out.
@Benedick: We were doing Shakespeare in high school, and the Costume Broad — that’s what she called herself — was pissed that the boys didn’t know how to take care of their tights. So she announced a “Happy Tights” contest, with the winner to receive some cheap prize after the production concluded.
I was lazy as the next teenager, and I didn’t pay attention to the contest until the last night — when I hung my tights in the closet properly, attaching a giant paper cheshire smile to the crotch. We had a winner.
@IanJ: Damn you, ASCII!
I used to seriously question how the English language survived hundreds of years without emoticons.
@IanJ:
It depends on the length of the ride. I am very used to my cleats, but there was a huge adjustment period. Also, if you don’t go more that 20 miles at a time you really don’t need the extra efficiency that a clipless pedal provides, but if you are riding 20-100 miles on a regular basis some kind of performance pedal is a must.
Plus, hills on the speedplay pedals are MUCH easier.
I hate toeclips, you might as well use cages.
Oh my God, you must love this.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Even knowing it was Victoria Jackson — on a Breitbart site, at that — I was a good halfway through before being certain she was serious. Especially since pissing on Beck is a popular sport among the Right.
@nojo:
The part about the blackboard is so funny it is almost surreal.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Absolutely agreed — my typical ride is 5-10 miles. I still have my clipless shoes, and would pick up new pedals in a heartbeat if I was going to do 20+ mile days. But for around-town commuting, it’s not worth the hassle of changing shoes to avoid the dreaded floor-divot.
@IanJ:
I’ve seen people slip and do a header on cleats too. They were wearing a bike helmet at the time, but still….
Who among us has not had an abraded member? Although I personally have not from sand in my undies, I can feel his pain. Holding Hanes responsible seems a bit over the top to me. A little personal hygene goes a long way.
@ckerst: I had a mishap with a Hitachi Magic Wand about a year ago. Thing is, most people realize that a burning down below is a unwelcome sign of something that should probably be addressed with proper dress or medication. Or lay off the Magic Wand for a little while. I’m just amazed that he was too shy or whatever to ask his wife to eyeball his dick, but here he is on record crying about his poor wee wee. O_0
TJ/ WTF. There’s some weird Little Mermaid singing shit on Batman. Pfft. I guess DC is looking for their own Dazzler (who was uberweak).
@IanJ: Awesome. I have a Rivendell road bike, btw.
@Benedick: I had to look up “dance belt.” That makes two things I’ve learned today just from reading these posts.
@JNOV:
I am old enough to remember the debut of Dazzler. My friends and I were horrified.
@Dodgerblue: I just cruised around their bikes, but they’re not really what I’m after. The thing I’m riding now is a medium-priced Gary Fisher hybrid, and it works well. I have a hard time justifying spending over $800 on a bicycle, although that may change some time in the future. And I guess I did spend about $1k putting my Xtracycle together, so I shouldn’t bleat too loudly about dropping cash on bikes. ;)
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Dazzler was The Worst New Mutant Ever. And she got her own (thankfully brief) series! WTF? Now Kitty Pride — that’s my girl. The Wolverine/Rogue arc was kind of creepy.
OMG! Did anyone see that video on Maddow just now? The singing Billionaires for Wealthcare?
Found it. Must see!
@JNOV: Don’t know how the hell that flew under everybody else’s radar today, but I grabbed it the moment I saw it.
@JNOV: I’m a sucker for staged public singing and dancing.
@nojo: Yeah. Me, too. I love that one.
@nojo: I even love Stride Dancing Matt.
ADD: My favorite part is at 2:35ish
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: I went clipless one and a half years ago, and my first serious ride – and fall – was in the NYC 5 boro ride. Dead stop intersection in Queens, prolly 200 people behind me, I just fell over. They applauded. Haven’t fallen since, and love them except for the limited convenience of just hopping on and going for a ride with my kids.
Should I start commuting in the new gig coordinates, I’ll revert to cages because of traffic and potholes.
Wow, what a lawsuit, you all know, the first thing a defense firm does is perform a search to see how many lawsuits the plaintiffs have brought in the past, to see if they are serial plaintiffs, people who make their living from lawsuits over little, easily faked slip and falls, and such. No way, no how, this dude and his wife do not have a history of suits like this. Noone would sue an underwear company over dick-chafing, unless they are already very comfortable with suing people.
In my experience, there are only three occasions when your dick is vulnerable to chafing; all three require it to be hard.
Number one, sex on the beach. Sex on the beach is dangerous. For very obvious reasons. Even a little sand in the cylinder, so to speak, will cause severe damage to the piston, and the cylinder.
I change my mind, there are only two ways to get sand-chafed penis. The penis obviously is hard when aroused, but it can get pretty stiff in the extreme opposite state. Shrinkage. Extreme shrinkage, as when swimming in cold water, makes it shrink so much, that it becomes a stiff, but tiny, little appendage. In this state, it is more subject to chafing than any other state. This is the only state in which a normal sized dick will actually poke out of a pair of briefs, and even then, its a rare event. In this state, the dick is almost like a stiff nipple, and just as nipples suffer from chafing, thats when a dick can suffer. The tiny little shrinkage-afflicted dick is the only time a dick can suffer chafing in non-sexual activity.
But how often is one in that state? Its rare, its a phenomenon associated with cold water, nothing else. Its kinda amazing, how small it can get, and then how big it can get, but really, that extremely contracted, clit-like state is rare.
I don’t even know why briefs have that strange, awkward opening, dudes, do any of you, ever, snake your hose out through that strange opening in the briefs? Or do you just pull the waistband down? The opening in the briefs, I submit, is totally useless.
I cannot stand boxers. It hangs down one’s legs, when wearing boxers, it is susceptible to being strangled when sitting, it is more susceptible to friction that will, unbidden, make it suddenly decide to pop up and look around, no, boxers allow it too much freedom. I prefer briefs, they keep it tucked up out of harms way.
@Promnight: I’m a leg-opening man, myself.
@Promnight: There Must Be 50 Ways to Chafe Your Penis.
***Warning: Over-share & TMI alert. Stop reading now***
Dun know if anyone remembers my half-drunken Stinque musings regarding my first BF, aka Turn Signal Dick, but at one point we had to stop $#@^&*! for like a month because his &%^* was rubbed raw from over-use.
What can I say?
We were 19.
@JNOV:
Just rough up the crack, Jack!
Put it in a tin can, Stan.
Zip it into your fly, Sy!
And just listen to me!
Rub it onto your truss, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much.
Use sandpaper when you pee, Lee.
You’ll get the scab free.
@Original Andrew: Heh. Yeah. I used to inspect the damage inflicted on this one guy. That’s what he deserved for trying to whip out some tantric shit on me.
@JNOV: @Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Still Chafing After All These Years.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Oh, man. Was “scab” necessary? ;-P
@nojo: He probably forgot to take the cardboard insert out.
@IanJ: All in all, I’d rather drop cash on guitars and amps. You really can’t have too many.
Dammit, I missed the best post of the day because I had work to do.
Without bothering to properly digest all of your brilliant effluence, let me just say: all-cotton boxer-briefs. I know, unimaginative, but they give me the support I need for morning wood and still let me breathe when I’m hunkered down in my cubicle during a nasty session of flowcharting.
I will now make an attempt to, um, catch up.
@JNOV: There Must Be 50 Ways to Chafe Your Penis
Even more.
Simple stroking will do the trick, if you do it vigorously.
Rub against the pillow that was washed too ferociously.
Rub against the partner who has shaved down there, not tonight but a few days ago, and there is stubble.
Rub against the underwear between your precious and the jeans that constrict it.
Rub against the edge of the desk in your cubicle when your office-mates aren’t looking (or at least, you think they aren’t).
Shag carpet is a luxury when you really have to rub one off, but Berber will do in a pinch.
Slam it against a concrete wall when all else fails and you just have to punish that sausage for all the evil thoughts it’s given you throughout the years.
…the possibilities are endless.
In my personal experience I’ve had to lay off with the wanking, such as, for a few days at a time, because I tend to get too rough with myself.
What say you, among the penis-wearing Stinquers, has this ever happened to you or am I just a freak?
@Pedonator: The English touch nothing below the waist. I can relate to this man’s dilemma. After all, to ask his wife to look would be rude.
@Benedick: I just spent a fascinating soul-sucking amount of time creating a profile for myself on ChristianMingle.com. Just because I’ve never done that sort of thing before and I thought it would be a kick.
So if you’re feeling particularly Christian, you can go there and ask me for a date. My first name is Jennifer, and that’s all I’m going to give you for now. I will tell you that I’m basically shy but I have a wild side ready to be unleashed for the right Christian man who wants children and a nice house.
Also, my favorite movie director is Mel Gibson and my favorite music styles are Classic Rock and Christian Rock.
@Pedonator: Was that the ad with the rad hand-lettering? Are they buying keywords associated with underwear? Did Jesus go commando?
@nojo:
Yes.
Who knows what algorithms associate underwear with Christian Mingles?
I don’t know about Jesus, but Jennifer is certainly going commando tonight.
@Pedonator: I’m Seeker4Truth. Aka Ethan. I’m 6’4″ and athletic. I hate anything weird and also Barbra Streisand.
I’m searching for Jennifer. You’re not EmoGirl, are you?
AFTER DARK IS BACK!
you better not be joking because i just did this for giggles. all my single friends are J-dating their asses off. i wanted to see what the fuss was all about and signed up. (i’m michelle. bi-curious, blonde and teach philosophy. i hate romantic dinners and walks on the beach) my inbox is FLOODED. it’s raining men on my screen!
it’s a scream!
@baked: I’m being propositioned by a svelte Italian-American in Hartford who is saving it for marriage. I want to know how she feels about hand-jobs.
oy vey. i have to change the locks today. i tossed nojo the keys so he could assist in getting me off the camel. i’m still on the camel and he must be splitting a gut from what’s goes on in my cyberworld. dear god, let him be professional, not THAT bored, and resist.
@baked: I’ve done it a couple of times in the past few days. Did you go to gravatar.com, log in, upload pic, edit and then choose? Plus, refresh your cache.
@Benedick:
refresh my cache? that sounds dirty. but if it was dirty, i would know what you are talking about.
BRB…off to storage to pick up more junk to stuff in the house…
@baked: Are you absolutely, positively, beyond a doubt sure that you know which e-mail account you used to sign up at Gravatar? If you have multiple accounts, check them all, and maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Wow…looks like I missed my night to overshare.
@Pedonator: Berber and a desk? Please tell me these stories are based on some semblance of a fact. Some modicum of truth. Some whatever of whatever.
@The Nabisco Quiver are Go!: As Riley would say, “You gonna pay what you owe!”
I’m pretty impressed the topics of biking and chafing both came up, but remained mutually exclusive.
@Ethan: No, I’m not EmoGirl. That sounds like some hippie chick and I thought liberals make you sick?
I like a take-charge kind of man, and that you’re into all sports. We just might be right for each other.
@Michelle: Jennifer is bi-curious too. Maybe we should hook up some time. I wonder if Ethan likes to watch?
@JNOV keeps her O face private: There is a modicum of truth to those stories; some of them, anyway. I’m not saying which ones.
@Pedonator: I am so looking forward to the day that I get to ply you with alkiehaul…
@JNOV keeps her O face private: As Ogden Nash wrote:
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
@Pedonator: Ethan does like to watch. He also likes to bring along his best bud Skip. Ethan and Skip go way back. To when they were playing cowboys down at the old quarry. That was when Ethan’s sister caught them tying each other up and told their dad. Which was good cause it brought them to Jesus.
@Pedonator: Damn. Are you Godsdaughter? “A born again christian widow with 2 adult married sons” Cause I could be interested in the sons. Are they like into working out and wrestling? I bet they need a coach to get them over them plateaus when they just can’t seem to add another inch to them 44″ chests. There’s nothin’ quite as motivatin’ as a good paddlin’.
@JNOV keeps her O face private: You really don’t have to ply me…
@Benedick: Your Skip reminds me of my childhood neighbor, Chuck. A strapping young lad. We had such good times playing cowboy when we were five years old. And he was the real deal: he had a horse. OK, it was a donkey. But he did wear chaps and he was handy with rope. Recalling those good times…ah, it explains so much.
@Pedonator: Are you pliable?
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